Obsession rhymes with Depression

Have you ever given yourself over to something, or become obsessed?

I have. The majority of my friends have. I would say that every single person I interact with on tumblr or instagram has. It's incredible.

I love TV shows and movies and books and music and pictures. I live for media. It swallows my up every day, as I keep up with shows on Hulu, watch old ones on Netflix, live blog on Tumblr, make fan art on Polyvore, and post and search for pictures on Instagram. These shows make me feel, as they are meant to. The entire point of a TV show is to have viewers, and to get them you have to give to them. You know what they give me? Hope. Pure unadultered lust for a better, exciting life. They give me oppertunities to feel when my life doesn't. And honestly, that's wonderful sometimes. I love to feel. Having feelings is the best.

But this often harms my already perilous mental stability. My anxiety and dread turns into depression. I see nothing but gray clouds, even when looking at a blue sky. It makes my ups short and high and my downs long and painful.

I came to an epiphany today. I read The Silver Linings Playbook, a truly beautiful book. I finished it in about five hours, which is pretty good because I have major focus issues. After finishing it, I was happy. I was full of incredible passion. I realized that I was holding so many of my own feelings.

I realized that I can be better than any fictional character. I have held more joy in my heart than any of the ones that are played by actors. I feel ups and downs and you can touch me and my skin is warm and alive and I don't script my stupid words, I THINK of my stupid words. I'm purely me and I can have breakthroughs and be anything I want and still remain as I am. I don't need an author to change my life and give me friends and adventures. I can do all of that myself.

I can be conscious of my happiness.

And so can any other person who feeds off of BBC and SyFy and USA. Because they are not characters. They are more dynamic than any John Green romance or Harry Potter plot twist or Supernatural death. They can recognize beauty and reality in their lives, too. It really is possible.

Songs to listen to, cause I want to.

//You Get What You Give // New Radicals//
//Washed by the Water // Needtobreathe//

Who Needs a Title (about people, relationships, and friends)

We all have people in our lives we are quite fond of. People that matter to us and make our days a shade brighter. We have people that make us feel wanted and give us a sense of unity. People that make us feel better than anyone else in the whole world.

Who are these people? Are they your family, your friends, or your mates? Do they live with you, laugh with you, or cry with you?

Take a moment and think about them. Are they as devoted to you as you are to them? If they are not, is that okay?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What I do know is this: There are people in my life that hold a distinct amount of my adoration in their hands. If I take a step back, I can see how wrong this situation is. I can see how sometimes they don't care about me as much as I need them to, or respond to me in ways that show mutual respect. I can see that if I were the subject of a movie, my character would hold an ultimatum above the people's heads and/or ditch them for others that truly matter. I can see the hero born out of my own self, setting me free of the people I so wrongly love.

However, I am no hero. I want to be liked and wanted and approved, to a certain point. And that requires me to ignore my embarrassment, discomfort, and displeasure and turn my emotions into blushes and laughter. It requires me to laugh at mere jokes. Jokes made of me.

Don't get me wrong, I give a lot, and in turn, I really do recieve. I have friends. Friends that will confide in me instead of someone else. Friends that will trust me to help them find that perfect word, that perfect person, game, outfit, place, way. Friends that tell me secrets.

They may also be friends that shout my bra size across a table, but, whatever.

I do laugh and cry with some of them, and they with me. And a lot of the time, they make my life better.

Never, ever imagine that because a person does not respect you as great as you do them, say the words you've been waiting for, or keep you as their best friend all the time that you are not allowed to adore them. You ARE. Just make sure you save yourself for those who will love you forever and always, just as much as you love them.