Snow

I promised more on my life-changing camp, however, so much more started to change my life.

Junior year has been rough in ways I expected:
Zero to four AP courses, college, more boys, auditions, getting a job
And very, very rough in ways I could never imagine.

To truly care about somebody is always strange because it tends to always be conditional (especially when the love isn't returned). "Yes, I love him, but if he asked me out I would say yes." Well, I'm calling bullshit. Bullshit on life, on relationships, even on emotion as of now. Though I hate to say so, just because you get older doesn't mean you leave the problems your younger self had behind. Just because you get stronger, you will not be unbreakable. And that's the way it is.

I have had the worst autumn of my life, mostly because I have been so aware of how awful it has been. I won't go listing reasons, but I shall list what I learned.
Your best friends may not stay the best.
Money trouble is unavoidable, but it's something you need to face up front.
Just because you  love a person so much does not mean said person will love you back.
Being self-pitying sucks.
Putting a strong face forward can achieve things.
Accepting only the good and not the bad in people doesn't usually work out. It's all or nothing.
Never assume people have feelings for you.

I find myself questioning why so much has been laid down on me all at once. I pray, tears on my face, on my knees beside my bed and ask what will happen, why must you do this, what is it for, give me strength, I want to move on. Sometimes I feel happier inside afterwards, but since relationships with people are what have truly been testing me, all it takes is for me to a see a couple together, a person's face, a text message, a tweet, a gift given to me in the past to make me vomit. And that's not fair. That's not fair at all.

If someone I knew read this blog, they might have no idea where any of it was coming from. Well, see, I have friends who tell me my face is like an open book, that I can be read easily. I beg to differ. Sometimes you need to hide your anger, your mistrust, your fire and your fury from people, so that they can stay happy, so that they see you as happy. And so I have, from many people. I have vocalized my complaints, but they see no raw hurt from me. They see no grief. I am a supreme actor. And so I have kept many of my friends.

But God, all the stupidity that has gone into my life. One hope destroyed one after another, and what for? What dirty misdeeds have I committed to deserve such a loud voice in my temples crying syllables of anguish and anxiety, fretting not only over the pain of being disregarded by boys she's cared for, boys who find happiness in other eyes, but for the unwritten essay, the unsung song, every attempt she has made at success that has failed?

Well, I'll tell you.

Insight.

I learned how to write. How to write with such vigor words begin to pour out of the pen like blood out of a chest wound, in rivulets and tears and then finally such unguarded rivers that every dam in the world ever made may be broken.
I learned how to strive. How to rush at a goal with passion unbeknownst to man and also how to move it forward with terrifying measures of equal doubt and assurance. How to strive untilsomething is beautiful.
I learned how to laugh. Not only how to laugh; how to laugh in the face of the Devil himself. How to allow an aura of tolerance in order to fight the evil that is misinterpretation and temptation and hate.

And finally, I learned what I need.

I need to work. Put in the time. I need to focus. Zero in on my target. I need to sing, for singing solves many of my problems.

I need to stop falling for people in minuscule instances that warp my brain and leave me for dead eight months later.
 I need to stop putting my faith in people who do not care for me and instead put my faith in God and in myself. Because that is how one learns to survive.

And lastly, I have learned I need to write. The nightmares I faced for so long have turned into snow. Flurries and patches that provide cold peace from the hot pain I felt before. Catharsis in words, snowy white wings that can carry me farther away from stupidity and closer to the sun. The sweet, sweet golden sun. I find myself swaying as I write as if to music . . . and I realize that this is often times my music. I found myself unable to write in the dark; so I sure as hell will write in the day.

July 15 (I wrote this then but didn't have time to post it. I actually left today, so I have much more to say that will come later)

YO.

Every day here gets better and better. I came to this camp and suddenly I was on a different plane of the universe, surrounded by new people  and new places and new experiences. Being me, I was expecting much more of the situation than I should have; however, I was surprised. Everything is wonderful. Everything surpasses those expectations I had. I'm even surprised at myself, learning a new thing every day.

I made friends within the first day and a half. A group of five, with three of them being in my disciplinary course. We meet up in different places on the campus to make music, write, get some food, and just have fun. My friends are ones that I could imagine having in real life (isn't it strange that technically this is real life too, but that phrase fits so well?).

Dorm life is totally my thing. I like having a little unit of people, with a place for everyone and everything to be. It suits me.

As for things I'm learning, maybe I'm still figuring that out. I learned that being social can be wonderful. I learned that seven hours of sleep can get me through a hard day. I learned that I don't always have such a developed Theory of Mind as I thought. I learned that guys decrease in stupidity if you let them be your friends.

The world I'm living in right now is almost perfect. I can see the horizon of land on the edge of my vision though, only one more week left. I plan to make the most of it.

Obsession rhymes with Depression

Have you ever given yourself over to something, or become obsessed?

I have. The majority of my friends have. I would say that every single person I interact with on tumblr or instagram has. It's incredible.

I love TV shows and movies and books and music and pictures. I live for media. It swallows my up every day, as I keep up with shows on Hulu, watch old ones on Netflix, live blog on Tumblr, make fan art on Polyvore, and post and search for pictures on Instagram. These shows make me feel, as they are meant to. The entire point of a TV show is to have viewers, and to get them you have to give to them. You know what they give me? Hope. Pure unadultered lust for a better, exciting life. They give me oppertunities to feel when my life doesn't. And honestly, that's wonderful sometimes. I love to feel. Having feelings is the best.

But this often harms my already perilous mental stability. My anxiety and dread turns into depression. I see nothing but gray clouds, even when looking at a blue sky. It makes my ups short and high and my downs long and painful.

I came to an epiphany today. I read The Silver Linings Playbook, a truly beautiful book. I finished it in about five hours, which is pretty good because I have major focus issues. After finishing it, I was happy. I was full of incredible passion. I realized that I was holding so many of my own feelings.

I realized that I can be better than any fictional character. I have held more joy in my heart than any of the ones that are played by actors. I feel ups and downs and you can touch me and my skin is warm and alive and I don't script my stupid words, I THINK of my stupid words. I'm purely me and I can have breakthroughs and be anything I want and still remain as I am. I don't need an author to change my life and give me friends and adventures. I can do all of that myself.

I can be conscious of my happiness.

And so can any other person who feeds off of BBC and SyFy and USA. Because they are not characters. They are more dynamic than any John Green romance or Harry Potter plot twist or Supernatural death. They can recognize beauty and reality in their lives, too. It really is possible.

Songs to listen to, cause I want to.

//You Get What You Give // New Radicals//
//Washed by the Water // Needtobreathe//

Who Needs a Title (about people, relationships, and friends)

We all have people in our lives we are quite fond of. People that matter to us and make our days a shade brighter. We have people that make us feel wanted and give us a sense of unity. People that make us feel better than anyone else in the whole world.

Who are these people? Are they your family, your friends, or your mates? Do they live with you, laugh with you, or cry with you?

Take a moment and think about them. Are they as devoted to you as you are to them? If they are not, is that okay?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What I do know is this: There are people in my life that hold a distinct amount of my adoration in their hands. If I take a step back, I can see how wrong this situation is. I can see how sometimes they don't care about me as much as I need them to, or respond to me in ways that show mutual respect. I can see that if I were the subject of a movie, my character would hold an ultimatum above the people's heads and/or ditch them for others that truly matter. I can see the hero born out of my own self, setting me free of the people I so wrongly love.

However, I am no hero. I want to be liked and wanted and approved, to a certain point. And that requires me to ignore my embarrassment, discomfort, and displeasure and turn my emotions into blushes and laughter. It requires me to laugh at mere jokes. Jokes made of me.

Don't get me wrong, I give a lot, and in turn, I really do recieve. I have friends. Friends that will confide in me instead of someone else. Friends that will trust me to help them find that perfect word, that perfect person, game, outfit, place, way. Friends that tell me secrets.

They may also be friends that shout my bra size across a table, but, whatever.

I do laugh and cry with some of them, and they with me. And a lot of the time, they make my life better.

Never, ever imagine that because a person does not respect you as great as you do them, say the words you've been waiting for, or keep you as their best friend all the time that you are not allowed to adore them. You ARE. Just make sure you save yourself for those who will love you forever and always, just as much as you love them.

Speaking of Curiosity

I am sixteen and I know not who I am. If you are a teenager and you are confident in your social, personal, and romantic aspects, I congratulate you. Not many people can say that. We are humans and we are meant to make mistakes, let our feelings change, and be afraid of disappointing people when we do.

A girl can never know what they want until they have a sample. Immediately, options can become labeled as "never" and "not worth it".  But some take a long time to figure out.

These options (AHEM, boys) can change as quickly as the chooser's feelings.

Option 1: New blood. Safe and beckoning. Different from anything ever before. Prospects are uncertain, scary, and very fulfilling.

Option 2: A whirlwind of doubt and destruction with a sprinkle of ultimate understanding. Quite dangerous and best to keep at a comfortable and friendly distance. And that's absolutely fine.

Option 3: Talk about an alternate reality flashback. It's a little bit too soon to tell if it will amount to anything, but it's sweet. Not to be considered greatly it's just enough to entertain the idea.

So this is the question I pose. Is someone testing the waters a tease? Are they making the wrong choices? Are they a bitch for "leading someone on"?

I mean, shit, how do we know what is behind each door without opening them?  What is right and wrong doesn't matter at these points in time, because all is fair in love and war. If you want to flirt a little bit, goof around, act sweet on your friend, I will not judge you if you're only confused and curious. If you want to find the right person and not just stumble into the wrong one, that's okay.

Just promise never to ignore the fact you might hurt another person. And I'll promise, too.

A Quick Journal.

Sometimes I think too much. And sometimes I think too little. All the same, I ramble along my path in disoriented strides. I can't find whatever is supposed to jump out at me. Whatever jumps out at me scares me into submission. There is absolutely no balance or unearthable patterns.

God, I'm still searching for cohesion.

Words disappear as I press and hold the delete button.

I have met someone recently, and they are influencing me little by little. Maybe he's a good thing. I have yet to find out.

My control breaks easier and with greater frequency as the days go by. I can't keep it in my grasp. And it gets in the way of everything that means something to me.

My apologies for the me post, but I haven't kept a journal in a year and this feels more comfortable at the moment.

Good night.

Judgement

The best days on earth are the ones when you are not denied of your beliefs. One can believe they are smart, and nothing comes about to contradict that overwhelming comfort. One can believe they are attractive, a thought that allows a person to advance socially with glorious confidence. One can believe they are talented, witty, funny, romantic, athletic, musical, direct, welcoming, and even plain old nice when their belief remains unchallenged.

So why challenge any human over how they believe themselves to be?

No person should be denied the right to feel any of the characteristics that I listed above. It's not right, not ethical, not smart, not funny, and just down right MEAN to hurt a person's feelings. Why do they deserve to have happiness stripped from them? Why do they deserve to be judged until they are nothing more than a sack of water and carbon rambling over the dirt?

The answer: they don't.

No one does.

And the cruelty of people rubs off on others. Words chosen by chance and with absolute carelessness are thrown around all the time. If you are like me, I am sorry. Because you hear all of the nastiness; directed towards you or not.

Dude, look at her thighs move!

That kid's going to end up a deadbeat. You can tell he didn't do any research at all.

Why would someone even do that to their hair?!

She's only in the band because they needed more players.

Why does he talk like his mouth is full of marbles?

She tries way too hard.

That kid's an asshole. He messes everything up.

Yeah, people? Why don't you listen some time. Learn from your surroundings.

That girl loves her body. She lost ten pounds since summer.

That kid has other passions, passions that he devotes himself to! He's going to be an artist.

She did it to make herself feel pretty.

She practiced for an hour every day until the audition. She worked her ass off to make the cut.

He has a speech disorder, and he's not going to let it keep him from being the best rhetoric in class.

She wants to prove herself.

That kid is madly in love with the girl across the room, and he can't get her out of his head.




. . . Cruelty rubs off. It makes me hate people that I usually want to respect. The most esteemed in my mind make these mistakes and come crumbling down from their perches. But the world has come to a different conclusion: Judge, because everyone does it.

It's really, truly sad.

Next time you feel happy, feel unified, too. Know that someone else is happy and deserves to be that way. Protect that belief in intelligence and beauty and ingenuity, and let it prosper towards the future.

Good night xx

Puzzling.

I am having an extremely philosophical day . . . so what shall I do? I have to do homework, practice my instrument, check out some websites, finish SAT prep shit, and make sure my chores are done. Who has time for tangible tasks when your mind doesn't want to stay home, but climb mountains and dive into depths of the ocean?

Everything is a puzzle piece in your life, correct? Some are infinitesimally small and others are key stones and corners that hold together everything else. Others are lost in the infinite middle . . .
A few days ago we lost a boy. He was someone I never personally knew and had never even been closer than ten feet from. Yet he held a sort of esteem in my mind, for each time he passed by (at band competitions and foot ball games, he was from a nearby high school) his friends would begin to chant his name, and would participate in this. He would turn aroung and give us a large grin and an over-the-top wave. This boy was worth cheering for  . . . why is he gone?
I cried. I must admit that I did. I don't cry. I didn't know him well. But it felt like a natural and very appropriate response. It felt right.
I was at county band, and his empty chair sat directly in front of me. I tied teal ribbon around my horn for remembrance. And I becoming blissfully encouraged that evey day has meaning that only few people tap into. We grow and learn and die, and that is all that is written in stone.

I have been going through a period of awareness that I am profoundly single. Is this the right thing to talk about after the gravity of my prior subject? I think yes. People need people, among other necessities, especially when they have too many thoughts to hold in. I have been in a stage of little emotion for too long now. Holding in my feelings makes me safe and bland for the most part, but it also makes me unstable to new stimuli. I heard a new song (new to me) that seemed to strike and leave me breathless and overwhelmed. I was on a bus listening to it for the fourth time when it slammed into me. I felt like I was being dragged into a tumultuous vacuum of thoughts.
There was no way out.
I did not want out.
I allowed myself to be swept away and into it. I nearly cried out. Tears pricked my eyes. Fear and consistent chills gripped my spine. Numbingly soft, the simple lyrics painted worlds I'd never known existed across my mind and body.
Who am I?
I asked.
What do I do?
I asked.
How does anything ever make sense?
I sobbed.
My head rolls back on my neck now just recollecting. Soft silence fills my bedroom. I feel dizzy and awake and tired and aware.
What in hell am I waiting for?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
.
.
.
.
//The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice//

worte.

Words . . . words are everything. Words can make you love, cry, dream, smile, laugh, or simply sigh in relief. Try it now.

sigh.

See, words made you do that. They can be direct; utterly straightforward and commanding of your attention. They can be simple, easy to understand, delivering a smooth message. Or, they can be as intricate as lace or the veins under your skin. These are the enunciations that you have to pull apart in strands to even begin to understand. These are the words that are most beautiful when unintentional.

Flowers in frail, frail bloom as gods trod the dusty sky
Their footprints malevolent, their footprints kind
Denying their truth, denying your faith
None ring truer than their footprints on my mind.

Sometimes you don't even have to make sense with them. All you need to do is be intelligent.

I think the most painful moments of my life involve words. They are as follows.

1. Having to keep words in.
I hate secrets. I mean, I keep half of my world to myself, and I understand intimacy and secrets to help people. But I always think that truth is the best aid to any situation. Words are malleable, and they can bend in your palms until they suit your need. I love people and I love their feelings and I love their problems. Truth is not painful or scary if you can use your words to help them through it. Keeping information in only harms, especially if you have the ability to move around it.

2. Not having any words at all.
You know when you have a lot to say, and everything is right there in your brain to pull out and use, but you just can't get to it? Och, it's excrutiating. It makes my hands want to shake and form fists. My stomach clenches and my cheeks flush pink. A lot of times it's a reaction for a particular stimulus, but cognitive thinking is just to simple to start a simple conversation isn't it? It's killer.

3. Not being able to make people understand.
I live for breakthroughs. Other people have realizations when they are told in a way that is natural to them. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't. But it works; and that's what matters.

Farewell, dear reader
Our time has come too soon.
No number of goodbyes
Could sink the approaching moon.
Oh me, oh my
I do believe I'm in a bind.
I didn't expect to care
About a pair of eyes far,
Far away in the dusky air.

Night:)

Keep in Time.

I think I forget too much. I have halves of myself that I get lost in and wherever my mind is is the only place I think about. As soon as a new obsession comes along, I dive in headfirst and become wrapped up in the joys of fandoms, OTPs, characters, and too many words. These fictional people and places swallow everything I am and everything I do.

If this is you, don't let that happen. Being too wrapped up in tv shows, movies, or books can be dangerous if you believe in them too much. Obsessions can keep you from people and things that really mean something. By immersing yourself in a frivolous joy, you can miss out on a happiness that is more real than anything you see on tumblr, instagram, or netflix . . .

Enjoy it. Have your loves, but don't let them stop you from missing out on greater loves than those.

That's What I Am

Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace

In the movie That's What I Am, there are many plotlines, though they all seem to revolve around this. There is no better way to put it, and no better way I'd wish to. It's beautiful and simple and so entirely true. Four words have never made so much sense in my life.

There is Stanley, a crazy tall boy with big ears and ginger hair and an incredible mind, and the people around him cannot seem to even fathom how much worth this boy has. Kids are cruel, and "Big G" bears a ton and a half of their wrath.

There is Andy, the eighth-grader paired with his outcast peer for a project, and consequentially learns a lot about having the balls to stand up to bullies, and what true friendship is.

There is Mr. Simon, the favorite teeacher accused of being a homosexual after his wife passed away. He is intelligent and wise and put together in a way that all humans should wish to be.

This movie makes me want to spread the word of it like an evangelist. Watch this and be chilled and warmed and overjoyed. Be filled to the brim with understanding and realization. Gasp at the wonders and symbolism held within. Be amazed at the truth you never knew there was.

Besides being deep, it has the cutest little scenes. It takes place in the fifties, and the clothing and culture make it all too irresistable. And I must say, it contains one of my favorite movie kisses of all time. Quite adorable.

Ed Harris is remarkable. He walks around in his bowties and loafers. You want to know this man in real life.

Chase Ellison is the most believable, most convincing eighth-grader I have ever seen; yet he retains this blessed openmindedness that is not present elsewhere.

And finally, Alexander Walters. I was sad to find out that this actor does not have big ears and ginger hair in real life; however, his all too real baritone voice is one I could listen to for years to come. He makes you pity and sympathize and cringe and then smile and and jump up and whoop in joy. His role, significant yet simple, waters a blossom of gaeity in my heart. I can't help but grin while reading this.

So, any reader I am grateful to have, I give this to you as a gift. Do with it what you may. I am good at selling, I think, but I don't want to give you wrong ideas. Watch the movie for yourself. Judge away. Be disappointed, be happy. Learn something, maybe. But always remember:

Human Dignity + Compassion = Peace.