July 15 (I wrote this then but didn't have time to post it. I actually left today, so I have much more to say that will come later)

YO.

Every day here gets better and better. I came to this camp and suddenly I was on a different plane of the universe, surrounded by new people  and new places and new experiences. Being me, I was expecting much more of the situation than I should have; however, I was surprised. Everything is wonderful. Everything surpasses those expectations I had. I'm even surprised at myself, learning a new thing every day.

I made friends within the first day and a half. A group of five, with three of them being in my disciplinary course. We meet up in different places on the campus to make music, write, get some food, and just have fun. My friends are ones that I could imagine having in real life (isn't it strange that technically this is real life too, but that phrase fits so well?).

Dorm life is totally my thing. I like having a little unit of people, with a place for everyone and everything to be. It suits me.

As for things I'm learning, maybe I'm still figuring that out. I learned that being social can be wonderful. I learned that seven hours of sleep can get me through a hard day. I learned that I don't always have such a developed Theory of Mind as I thought. I learned that guys decrease in stupidity if you let them be your friends.

The world I'm living in right now is almost perfect. I can see the horizon of land on the edge of my vision though, only one more week left. I plan to make the most of it.

Obsession rhymes with Depression

Have you ever given yourself over to something, or become obsessed?

I have. The majority of my friends have. I would say that every single person I interact with on tumblr or instagram has. It's incredible.

I love TV shows and movies and books and music and pictures. I live for media. It swallows my up every day, as I keep up with shows on Hulu, watch old ones on Netflix, live blog on Tumblr, make fan art on Polyvore, and post and search for pictures on Instagram. These shows make me feel, as they are meant to. The entire point of a TV show is to have viewers, and to get them you have to give to them. You know what they give me? Hope. Pure unadultered lust for a better, exciting life. They give me oppertunities to feel when my life doesn't. And honestly, that's wonderful sometimes. I love to feel. Having feelings is the best.

But this often harms my already perilous mental stability. My anxiety and dread turns into depression. I see nothing but gray clouds, even when looking at a blue sky. It makes my ups short and high and my downs long and painful.

I came to an epiphany today. I read The Silver Linings Playbook, a truly beautiful book. I finished it in about five hours, which is pretty good because I have major focus issues. After finishing it, I was happy. I was full of incredible passion. I realized that I was holding so many of my own feelings.

I realized that I can be better than any fictional character. I have held more joy in my heart than any of the ones that are played by actors. I feel ups and downs and you can touch me and my skin is warm and alive and I don't script my stupid words, I THINK of my stupid words. I'm purely me and I can have breakthroughs and be anything I want and still remain as I am. I don't need an author to change my life and give me friends and adventures. I can do all of that myself.

I can be conscious of my happiness.

And so can any other person who feeds off of BBC and SyFy and USA. Because they are not characters. They are more dynamic than any John Green romance or Harry Potter plot twist or Supernatural death. They can recognize beauty and reality in their lives, too. It really is possible.

Songs to listen to, cause I want to.

//You Get What You Give // New Radicals//
//Washed by the Water // Needtobreathe//

Who Needs a Title (about people, relationships, and friends)

We all have people in our lives we are quite fond of. People that matter to us and make our days a shade brighter. We have people that make us feel wanted and give us a sense of unity. People that make us feel better than anyone else in the whole world.

Who are these people? Are they your family, your friends, or your mates? Do they live with you, laugh with you, or cry with you?

Take a moment and think about them. Are they as devoted to you as you are to them? If they are not, is that okay?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What I do know is this: There are people in my life that hold a distinct amount of my adoration in their hands. If I take a step back, I can see how wrong this situation is. I can see how sometimes they don't care about me as much as I need them to, or respond to me in ways that show mutual respect. I can see that if I were the subject of a movie, my character would hold an ultimatum above the people's heads and/or ditch them for others that truly matter. I can see the hero born out of my own self, setting me free of the people I so wrongly love.

However, I am no hero. I want to be liked and wanted and approved, to a certain point. And that requires me to ignore my embarrassment, discomfort, and displeasure and turn my emotions into blushes and laughter. It requires me to laugh at mere jokes. Jokes made of me.

Don't get me wrong, I give a lot, and in turn, I really do recieve. I have friends. Friends that will confide in me instead of someone else. Friends that will trust me to help them find that perfect word, that perfect person, game, outfit, place, way. Friends that tell me secrets.

They may also be friends that shout my bra size across a table, but, whatever.

I do laugh and cry with some of them, and they with me. And a lot of the time, they make my life better.

Never, ever imagine that because a person does not respect you as great as you do them, say the words you've been waiting for, or keep you as their best friend all the time that you are not allowed to adore them. You ARE. Just make sure you save yourself for those who will love you forever and always, just as much as you love them.

Speaking of Curiosity

I am sixteen and I know not who I am. If you are a teenager and you are confident in your social, personal, and romantic aspects, I congratulate you. Not many people can say that. We are humans and we are meant to make mistakes, let our feelings change, and be afraid of disappointing people when we do.

A girl can never know what they want until they have a sample. Immediately, options can become labeled as "never" and "not worth it".  But some take a long time to figure out.

These options (AHEM, boys) can change as quickly as the chooser's feelings.

Option 1: New blood. Safe and beckoning. Different from anything ever before. Prospects are uncertain, scary, and very fulfilling.

Option 2: A whirlwind of doubt and destruction with a sprinkle of ultimate understanding. Quite dangerous and best to keep at a comfortable and friendly distance. And that's absolutely fine.

Option 3: Talk about an alternate reality flashback. It's a little bit too soon to tell if it will amount to anything, but it's sweet. Not to be considered greatly it's just enough to entertain the idea.

So this is the question I pose. Is someone testing the waters a tease? Are they making the wrong choices? Are they a bitch for "leading someone on"?

I mean, shit, how do we know what is behind each door without opening them?  What is right and wrong doesn't matter at these points in time, because all is fair in love and war. If you want to flirt a little bit, goof around, act sweet on your friend, I will not judge you if you're only confused and curious. If you want to find the right person and not just stumble into the wrong one, that's okay.

Just promise never to ignore the fact you might hurt another person. And I'll promise, too.

A Quick Journal.

Sometimes I think too much. And sometimes I think too little. All the same, I ramble along my path in disoriented strides. I can't find whatever is supposed to jump out at me. Whatever jumps out at me scares me into submission. There is absolutely no balance or unearthable patterns.

God, I'm still searching for cohesion.

Words disappear as I press and hold the delete button.

I have met someone recently, and they are influencing me little by little. Maybe he's a good thing. I have yet to find out.

My control breaks easier and with greater frequency as the days go by. I can't keep it in my grasp. And it gets in the way of everything that means something to me.

My apologies for the me post, but I haven't kept a journal in a year and this feels more comfortable at the moment.

Good night.

Judgement

The best days on earth are the ones when you are not denied of your beliefs. One can believe they are smart, and nothing comes about to contradict that overwhelming comfort. One can believe they are attractive, a thought that allows a person to advance socially with glorious confidence. One can believe they are talented, witty, funny, romantic, athletic, musical, direct, welcoming, and even plain old nice when their belief remains unchallenged.

So why challenge any human over how they believe themselves to be?

No person should be denied the right to feel any of the characteristics that I listed above. It's not right, not ethical, not smart, not funny, and just down right MEAN to hurt a person's feelings. Why do they deserve to have happiness stripped from them? Why do they deserve to be judged until they are nothing more than a sack of water and carbon rambling over the dirt?

The answer: they don't.

No one does.

And the cruelty of people rubs off on others. Words chosen by chance and with absolute carelessness are thrown around all the time. If you are like me, I am sorry. Because you hear all of the nastiness; directed towards you or not.

Dude, look at her thighs move!

That kid's going to end up a deadbeat. You can tell he didn't do any research at all.

Why would someone even do that to their hair?!

She's only in the band because they needed more players.

Why does he talk like his mouth is full of marbles?

She tries way too hard.

That kid's an asshole. He messes everything up.

Yeah, people? Why don't you listen some time. Learn from your surroundings.

That girl loves her body. She lost ten pounds since summer.

That kid has other passions, passions that he devotes himself to! He's going to be an artist.

She did it to make herself feel pretty.

She practiced for an hour every day until the audition. She worked her ass off to make the cut.

He has a speech disorder, and he's not going to let it keep him from being the best rhetoric in class.

She wants to prove herself.

That kid is madly in love with the girl across the room, and he can't get her out of his head.




. . . Cruelty rubs off. It makes me hate people that I usually want to respect. The most esteemed in my mind make these mistakes and come crumbling down from their perches. But the world has come to a different conclusion: Judge, because everyone does it.

It's really, truly sad.

Next time you feel happy, feel unified, too. Know that someone else is happy and deserves to be that way. Protect that belief in intelligence and beauty and ingenuity, and let it prosper towards the future.

Good night xx

Puzzling.

I am having an extremely philosophical day . . . so what shall I do? I have to do homework, practice my instrument, check out some websites, finish SAT prep shit, and make sure my chores are done. Who has time for tangible tasks when your mind doesn't want to stay home, but climb mountains and dive into depths of the ocean?

Everything is a puzzle piece in your life, correct? Some are infinitesimally small and others are key stones and corners that hold together everything else. Others are lost in the infinite middle . . .
A few days ago we lost a boy. He was someone I never personally knew and had never even been closer than ten feet from. Yet he held a sort of esteem in my mind, for each time he passed by (at band competitions and foot ball games, he was from a nearby high school) his friends would begin to chant his name, and would participate in this. He would turn aroung and give us a large grin and an over-the-top wave. This boy was worth cheering for  . . . why is he gone?
I cried. I must admit that I did. I don't cry. I didn't know him well. But it felt like a natural and very appropriate response. It felt right.
I was at county band, and his empty chair sat directly in front of me. I tied teal ribbon around my horn for remembrance. And I becoming blissfully encouraged that evey day has meaning that only few people tap into. We grow and learn and die, and that is all that is written in stone.

I have been going through a period of awareness that I am profoundly single. Is this the right thing to talk about after the gravity of my prior subject? I think yes. People need people, among other necessities, especially when they have too many thoughts to hold in. I have been in a stage of little emotion for too long now. Holding in my feelings makes me safe and bland for the most part, but it also makes me unstable to new stimuli. I heard a new song (new to me) that seemed to strike and leave me breathless and overwhelmed. I was on a bus listening to it for the fourth time when it slammed into me. I felt like I was being dragged into a tumultuous vacuum of thoughts.
There was no way out.
I did not want out.
I allowed myself to be swept away and into it. I nearly cried out. Tears pricked my eyes. Fear and consistent chills gripped my spine. Numbingly soft, the simple lyrics painted worlds I'd never known existed across my mind and body.
Who am I?
I asked.
What do I do?
I asked.
How does anything ever make sense?
I sobbed.
My head rolls back on my neck now just recollecting. Soft silence fills my bedroom. I feel dizzy and awake and tired and aware.
What in hell am I waiting for?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
.
.
.
.
//The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice//